Solitary shop

Dear Solitary shopper,

While you enjoy the solitude of entering the shopping centre alone. Please spare a thought for us mothers of small children.

We do not need your looks of disapproval nor do we need your helpful rude parenting tips.

Shopping with a small child or children is very similar to the experience of unleashing hungry goats in a fruit and veg shop. It’s not going to be pretty.

I have a few rules that I abide to when going about my hunter gathering at the local supermarket.

1.    I think of this exercise as a challenge to rise too.

2.    I ensure small children are well fed prior to leaving home or have something to eat or drink from home. If I have to, I pick up something they can eat in store, strawberries or cheesy mite scrolls are good. (But its not very nice purchasing an empty package at the checkout though) Alternatively shop on food demonstration days.

3.    I use bribery, I have often said “if you are good in the supermarket you can have a treat afterwards” But the treat is only available outside the supermarket, like looking in the toy shop or getting a bubbachinno. You also have to follow through with this and not give treats if they muck up.

4.    I try to take a shopping list and remember it, not leave it in the car or loose it in my handbag and I try to only purchase what’s on it so I can…

5.    Move the trolley as fast as possible to make the shopping trip as short as possible.

6.    I don’t have any eye contact with Grannies, other mothers or lonely looking people; they only slow me down.

7.    I do allow children to sit inside the trolley. Let’s admit it, the ride is fun and it contains them in one place.

8.    I do make car and horn noises or sing the “wheels on the bus” song if necessary.

9.    I do involve the children and get them to choose, count, select, load and unpack.

10.    I try to have some come-backs to uninvited comments/parenting tips memorised. To the solitary middle aged woman who gave me looks with daggers as my 5 year old ran down the escalator then back up the wrong way a few times. I say “What are you?  The fun police.” To the solitary young man who told me to “Take a chill pill Mum.” I reply “Didn’t your mother teach you manners?”
Other responses could have been, “Get your own life – I don’t need you in mine.”
“Thanks for your advice, actually I was thinking that your shoes don’t go with that top.”
“It’s ok, today they are medicated.”
“Actually, these aren’t my kids, I am not their mother.”

Solitary shopper next time you are drawn into the performance of a child in the supermarket. Keep your mouth shut, eyes averted and focus on your own freakin shopping.

With love

a Mother.