Hidden fear

Dear Children, 

I am writing this to express how lucky I feel to have you in my life. Just this week you have both forced me to be stronger and braver than I thought I could. You are enabling me to grow as a person and face my fears. Grow up and take hold of my responsibilities - With both hands and a smile.

Ever since the tree of life incident I am more than a little nervous around storms with strong winds. Thunder and lightning don’t really bother me it’s the wind. This is a new and fresh fear, resulting from witnessing a massive gum tree destroy a neighbours house. I know the likelihood of seeing this kind of thing happen again is remote. However as MY eyes have seen it, I know it can happen. My brain has now made a connection with extremely windy days and trees falling down. The image of it happening replays in my mind when the wind picks up. No rational logical thoughts can stop it.

Post traumatic stress - probably, but no one likes to admit they are not doing so well in the head.....

I am embarrassed to say that a really windy day this week had me a little fretful. You were at school B having sport inside a class room because of the rain. And Little Miss you were having your day time nap. I found I was coping fine with the wind situation up till that point.

With Little Miss asleep and not by my side, I didn’t have to put on the brave front anymore. I was alone and my fear got the better of me. My breathing increased. I felt a rush of blood to my head. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Was this a panic attack?

I got the help I needed over the phone from your Auntie. She told me to take some deep breathes, make a strong cup of tea and sit somewhere that I felt safe. She got the facts about the storm from the weather bureau reassuring me that the worst was over. She also made me laugh, something that I love to do with her. The fear passed. She helped me through it.

Little Miss you woke up at your usual time announcing that it was "Pick up brother time.”  Unfortunately my sister was either misinformed or lying (something she is really good at) as the storm seemed to be peaking just as we had to go out and collect B from school.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, the wipers were on full. Sheets of rain whipped at the car. I took deep breathes and concentrated on getting us to school. Glancing back at Little Miss, you seemed totally unaware of the situation. This relaxed me so much. Your naive outlook simply made you state "Rain". I got so much help from that. The last thing I wanted to do was infect you with my own fear.

I parked away from the tall gum trees that seemed to be bending and teasing me with their flexibility. The sound of falling gum nuts on car roofs reminded me of cracking wood. I moved fast, focusing on getting us to the class room. The umbrella seemed pointless. Little Miss, you wiggled on my hip as I attempted to run. I couldn't speak.

The parents waited, huddled together. There was small talk about the timing of the weather. I failed to join in.

Once you were in the car with us B, the rain only got worse for the return journey. We were all wet and a damp smell lingered. Wet trouser pants went cold on our legs. You complained B. I asked you to be quiet so I could concentrate on driving and you both understood.

I tried so very hard not to show you how scared I was. I so desperately wanted to be at home, inside. But the traffic crawled. It was dim. The car fogged up. Sheets of rain now hammered the car. A bright flash electrified the sky. A great metallic sound boomed around us.

"Thunder is the sound of God moving furniture around in heaven." B stated.

This made me smile. Fear hidden.

Thank you

Love from Mummy

xxx